I am a woman. A wife, a mother, a daughter, a daughter in law and a friend. My role in this world has not stopped evolving as I age. Honestly, I question it most of the time. Does my role end at some point? Honest truth? It NEVER ends at all. This #EnhancedCommunityQuarantine has somehow shown me fangs, sharp fingernails and ungratefulness. You see, I am EFFICIENT and quite RESPONSIBLE. I finish tasks faster than most (if I’m not lazy or upset that is) and most of all, I am reliable. Being reliable and efficient has to be a great combo, right? Well, it is really – but it stops when people take advantage of these qualities. I am told to do this, do that and many sort of other things that are sometimes out of my scope of responsibilities. My one big weakness is that – I am unable to stop caring. My conscience tells me to always care, to most of the time – shove my bad feelings down the drain and continue functioning for others. Is that healthy? It’s not – but what am I to do right? There are so many times that I feel unappreciated and unloved – but I still do the tasks expected of me because I somehow expect that when I finish that task – I would be appreciated and loved. But most of the time – I’m not – what I expect them to appreciate – well for them – it is just a DUTY. What is my duty, really? I am confused. My duty is to myself of course, to my Panget, and to my children. What else? I guess to my parents and immediate family. When people expect me to go above and beyond for them, I rise up to the plate – but to what extent? To the extent that others are merely bystanders – that I am expected to always ALWAYS step up. It’s quite tiring to be honest because I always feel that I am the only person that is functioning and no one else can do what I can do. It’s quite unfair when you think about it – because, am I the only person around? Nope, there are a number – but nothing – it’s always me that has to rise up to the challenge. Most of the time I ask myself ‘Ako nanaman?’ From responsibilities to blame. It’s always me. I get thrown under the bus quite often – and I feel, well – runover, but to them – it’s just another day in the park, nothing new. Maybe in their minds – I’m very resilient. I am resilient, but I do get emotionally tired. Most tell me to ask for help, but I retort with ‘Who else can help me?’ The answer most of the time is – no one. I was taught to be reliable. To do things myself. To not rely on other people especially if I can do it. Learn it, you can always learn it. And so for the times that I am asked to do something, in my mind – can’t they themselves learn it? Do I have to learn it from them? It’s really tiring, but what am I to do right? Wala namang tutulong sa akin, kunde ang sarili ko. Am I selfish to feel this way? Or are others selfish for expecting so much of me. When I feel appreciated, I go the extra mile. Please make me feel appreciated, please? By words, by actions and by simple making me feel appreciated. Give me some heart, some affection, some gifts, make me feel appreciated, flatter me.
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