I think I am going through one.
Photo grabbed from this site – Takabisha
First, I’d like to cry. But no matter how I try, the tears just don’t want to come out. My friend M suggested that I watch a tearjerker – I would like to watch, but right now – I don’t feel like it. When I read comments and well wishes of friends, I get teary eyed – but that’s about it.
I think I need to cry. I know I need to cry. Crying is my form of release and I feel that when I cry – it somehow helps with the closure. I’m very emotional and so crying is quite easy for me, but this time – I find it really hard. I need help to cry. WARNING: Another *emo* post ahead Right now – I’m okay. There are days that I’m not – I feel restless, sluggish – I just want to close my eyes and sleep and sleep. But life has to go on. The world won’t stop and grieve for me. Am I grieving? Well, I’d like to – but then I’m torn. Should I even grieve? Am I even allowed to grieve? I’m sure there will be people who’d say that I’m being OA. There wasn’t a heartbeat yet – but then, I don’t know – my body was telling me otherwise. I know I wasn’t prepared – but there were thoughts in my head already of what to look forward to and what I dreaded. My head is actually filled with what ifs right now. I can’t help but think about them. I want to stop but these thoughts creep back in. I’m confused – so confused. I don’t know what to feel. Should I even be feeling something? I don’t know. Sooo confused. Is there even a right and wrong? Am I being too OA? Gosh, so many thoughts in my head. I’m sure there are those that will say – why write about such a private matter. Well, I find it comforting to write about it. I can’t seem to verbalize vocally what I feel and I don’t want to announce to every friend that I am going through this because unlike news of pregnancy – well, this isn’t a very good one. I write this because its my way to dealing with the situation. It may be an announcement of sort, but I feel that in this platform – I can, I don’t know – I feel better as I type down the words rather than make an announcement to friends because let’s be honest – it’s NOT the best of news, right? I’m a very talkative person but somehow – I can’t verbalize my feelings on what happened to friends. I am suddenly silenced. And I hate being silent. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. It’s not easy to blurt out *Hey, this happened!* I apologize if my posts seem to be extremes – a series of happy posts and then an emotional post. I need to get my emotions out and this is the only way right now that I feel most comfortable with. Writing about my experience helped me a lot. I felt better after writing it. I am not begging for sympathy when I wrote that entry – but I welcome the love and support that I received. To be honest, I never expected to get comments as the subject is very sensitive, so when I saw them – I was instantly comforted, my heart swelled to unknown proportions, and I appreciated every thought, well wishes and the virtual hugs that I got. I never expected to receive this amount of love and support from this platform. I needed it, I needed them. I think maybe one of the reasons why I am still in this state is that – one group in my life (they were told of what happened) – I was expecting more *support* but I never got any. It was as if nothing happened. It’s quite sad really but then again, when I thought about it – it will be very out of character if they acted concerned for me. This brings me to this post I made on IG:
This hit the spot. Because if this happened to them, I would immediately give my support. But then again I realize, not everyone is like me. So I MUST accept the fact that I can’t expect them to empathize with something that they haven’t and will not go through. So now I tell myself to toughen up because I can’t expect those around me to sympathize. But I can’t bring myself to be tough right now. I’m physically okay – but anytime, I feel like I can break down and cry. I’m a ticking time bomb and I can’t even predict when it happens. That’s how confused I am. I seem to like being hugged now more than ever. I hug my kids more often how, I hug my pillow. I ask hugs from my Panget but there’s still something missing. I can’t seem to *hug out* the feeling. You know what’s odd? There are two things that keep me sane – Master Chef and reading the Fifty Shades trilogy. Strange combination right? I can’t explain why – but I feel comforted when I watch episodes of Master Chef and read chapters of the controversial book. My Panget even gave in to the request of getting me a copy of the Fifty Shades movie with the alternate ending. When I feel a sadness creeping in – I turn on the TV and watch Master Chef. If I’m not in the mood to watch – I get any of the three books and start reading. So thank you to – Joe Bastianich, Graham Elliot, Gordon Ramsey, Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey.
So I say – SMILE – smile to that stranger. It may be the only smile they see all day. — I can’t thank you guys enough for the love and support. They mean so much to me. I am apologizing in advance for the sudden emotional outbursts that will happen in this blog. I am trying to get back to the grind slowly. Please include me in your prayers. Thank you again. Thank you soooo much. Love, Didi
Hang in there! Just do what you have to do and one day it won't be as painful anymore, mas bearable na. Promise yan!
Will keep praying for you.